Starbucks Frappuccinos used to be so cool….when I was a kid. Now, they are an annoyance and it’s not just because I wait in long lines for non-coffee drinkers to sugar up.
I worked at Starbucks for nearly five years. Stationed in the Swedish Medical Center Starbucks (among others) I met tons of amazing people, memorized their favorite drinks, met some of the CEO’s on their way into headquarters, and suffered through the ungodly demon celebration known as “Starbuck’s Frappuccino Happy Hour.”
By now, you’ve read about hundreds of baristas complain about the Unicorn frappuccino that tastes like sour patch kids (barf), and listened to the endless rants of baristas begging you to STOP ORDERING FRAPPUCCINOS and I back these people 100%.
Media outlets like Refinery29, Bustle, Buzzfeed, and so many others are doing non-stop segments on “new” frappuccinos and I’m here to tell you there’s literally NOTHING new about some of these flavors. I’ve made a ton of the recipes myself before leaving the company years ago. What’s shocking (and annoying) is the fact that so many people write about how new some random drink from Sbux is, and honestly, it’s not.
Especially the Midnight Mint Frappuccino crap, you always could have asked for it. Like, 10 years ago status.
Here are 12 Starbucks Drinks you’ve ALWAYS been able to make.
Pumpkin Cheesecake Frappuccino
For any woman seeking to show off her fall spirit on Instagram, pumpkin spice anything has basic written all over it, but guess what, pumpkin cheesecake doesn’t. “New” in 2016 but here are the ingredients that have always been available.
Creme based Pumpkin Spice Frappuccino Add cinnamon dolce syrup (1 pump tall, 2 grande, 3 venti) Add vanilla bean powder (1 scoop tall, 2 grande, 3 venti) Add white mocha syrup (1 pump tall, 2 grande, 3 venti)
Almond Joy Frappuccino
I’m going to be super honest here. Why? Why would you get an almond joy frapp? It’s like, the most bland flavor in the world. These ingredients have been around since 2012…not new. My opinion doesn’t matter so long as the mermaid is attached so here’s the recipe.
Coconut Crème Frappuccino
Add java chips
Add toffee nut syrup (½ pump tall and grande, 1 pump venti)
Top with mocha syrup
Cookie Dough Frappuccino
This one was really a curse when we started making them back in 2010. Java chips had to be blended in and topped with cookie crumbs and chocolate whip. Making the chocolate whip was a pain, and 90% of our customers didn’t want the cinnamon dolce creme base in it because chocolate chip cookies aren’t cinnamon.
Cinnamon Dolce Creme Frappuccino Add mocha syrup (1 pump tall, 2 pumps grande, 3 pumps venti) Java chips blended in Top with cookie crumble and chocolate whip
Butterbeer Frappuccino (For the HP Fans)
Harry Potter fans everywhere have been obsessed with butterbeer for freaking ever. So of course someone had to turn a starbucks drink into something gross. If you want your teeth to fall out try this recipe.
Half heavy whipping cream half whole milk
Add 3 pumps of caramel syrup
Add 3 pumps of toffee nut syrup
Top with caramel drizzle
Birthday Cake Frappuccino
I look at this recipe and pretty much just stare at it. It’s simple until you realize your whip cream needs to have raspberry in it. When did birthday cake flavor anywhere ever have raspberry in it? It doesn’t.Take a look at Cold Stone.
Vanilla Bean Frappuccino
Topped with raspberry infused whipped cream
Many will argue that it wasn’t until they brought grammar cracker crumbs to the table that you could actually make a s’mores frapp. Lies. I burn my marshmallow and toss a piece of chocolate in my mouth and that equals a s’more.
Vanilla Bean Frappuccino
Tootsie Roll Frappuccino
As I was looking through this recipe and had been asked just once by a customer to make it, I tried not to gag. Why would you take an orange refresher and mix it with this much mocha? Orange and mocha doesn’t equal a tootsie roll and last time I checked orange wasn’t an ingredient. Am I right?
Fill Valencia Orange Refresher to the first indent on the cup Milk to the first line Add mocha syrup (2 pumps tall, 3 grande, 4 venti) Add vanilla syrup ( 1 pump tall, 2 grande and venti) Add crème base ( 2 pumps tall, 3 grande, 4 venti)
Red Velvet Cake Frappuccino
I’ll make this quick. You can’t make red velvet with raspberry. When my mom makes a raspberry cake for a client red velvet isn’t anywhere near it, so why the heck is it in this frappuccino?
Raspberry and vanilla syrup
Topped with whipped cream
Shamrock/Hulk/Yoda/Basically Anything Green Frappuccino
I get the whole pop culture phenomenon surrounding putting a green character name to a frappuccino, but they’re all literally made the same way, just look at the ingredients. If we’re going to name frappuccino drinks after green characters then why isn’t there an Elphaba version?
Vanilla Bean Frappuccino, then add the following:
Add peppermint syrup (1.5 pumps tall, 2 pumps grande, 2.5 pumps venti) (Change out for any flavored syrup as desired)
Add classic syrup (½ pump tall, 1 pump grande, 1.5 pumps venti)
Add matcha powder (2 scoops tall, 2.5 grande, 3 venti)
BONUS: Want a thin mint frapp? Trade the matcha for mocha. BOOM.
Not new. I repeat, not new. These ingredients have been around forever, we used to mess around and make this all the time back in ‘09. Still though, Game of Thrones is awesome and everyone wants to be The Mother of Dragons.
Green Tea Frappuccino
Add vanilla bean powder
Swirl of berry syrup at the bottom of cup
Top with whip and purple sprinkles
Pokemon Go! Was very popular last summer so I can understand wanting to do this, but you’re just paying $1.50 more for a frappuccino that’s going to melt together in ten minutes anyway.
Bottom half Vanilla Frappuccino
Top half Strawberries and Creme Frappuccino
Top with strawberry whipped cream
If I’m ever around someone who orders this I’m seriously going to ask them why they insist on making their barista’s life a living nightmare. I mean, if you want to pay $100 for a frappuccino that’s worth your daily caloric intake then fine, have at it, but honestly just stop.
Vanilla Bean Frappuccino
Add freeze dried whole blackberries
Line the cup with green mixed drizzle (recipe below)
Top with whipped cream and additional drizzle or matcha powder
Now you’ll need the green drizzle (eye roll)
8 pumps of white mocha sauce
3 pumps toasted coconut syrup
3 heaping scoops of matcha
Mix in pitcher until smooth and pour into gravity bottle
There you have it! 12 Starbucks Frappuccinos that have always been around. Baristas have always been creative enough to make them, we just didn’t want to slave away on one drink for ten minutes and piss off the actual coffee drinkers waiting to go to work.
Do your body, your cholesterol, and our sanity a favor and just stop ordering these ridiculous drinks and calling them new.