“I’m Worried.” An Honest Breakdown From A Mom

Since Fox’s recent diagnosis so many things have been running through my head. I try not to be a huge worrier but I often can’t help it it’s part of my nature and not just being a mom but being me. Fox has had a few different birthday parties and up until this point they’ve all been pretty family focused. I’ve noticed that over time and whenever we hang out with friends who don’t have a special need or are more advanced, or even when we’re at the park playing with other kids, they all look at Fox like he’s the weird kid or the bad kid. And as a parent, it hurts and I’m sure that you can sympathize.

But I honestly worry about him and friendship.

I worry that no one‘s going to show up to his birthday party. I worry that kids will be his friend because they feel obligated to. I worry people are going to treat him differently. I worry that he’s going to feel like an outcast at school. I worry that people are going to leave him behind. I worry he’s going to be that friend. I worry that he’s going to feel alone. He’s a very happy kid and part of his autism is not understanding social cues or what other kids and people think about him. I want to help him be as successful as possible and understand how friendship and people work. I’m worried that he’s going to lose his innocence. I’m worried that he’s going to lose his joy.

I’m worried he’ll never find love.

It’s very hard to get myself to remember that I’m a strong mom and that I can change this to help him understand that everything is possible.  There are just some things in life that I will never be able to teach kids that I will never be able to help him understand because he has to be able to do it on his own.

I’m worried people are going to put limitations on him and I want to him to be able to break free of those limitations. I worry that I might take his entire life to free and he won’t understand boundaries.

I worry that if I’m too hard on him he won’t think I love him.

I worry that if I allow him to express himself in every way shape and form kids will pick on him more than they already do. I worry about bullies. I worry about his mental health. I worry about everything when it comes to him and his happiness.

I worry that I won’t be able to say I love you enough. I’m worried that I won’t be able to give him enough hugs and kisses. That I won’t be able to cuddle with him enough. I worry that I will have to work too much.

I’m worried that if I’m not constantly with him, I will fail him. He’s not a glass egg, I know this. It doesn’t matter though because I’m in such a dark place with everything. I’m trying so hard to pull my head up above water but I’m pretty sure I’m drowning.

I’m pretty sure I’m drowning.

Yes, I am strong, but even the strong become weak. I’m doing all of this on my own and I’m near the edge with it all. I feel like I’m imploding on a daily basis.